So, I’m back. 40 Days turned into 7 days but I need to tell you, I’ve never felt better and I’ve had the BEST week.
I had some pretty major breakthroughs in days 4 and 5, regarding my own life and direction and the short story is this – I realised that once I had direction and purpose, sitting in the bush feeling sorry for myself was not the answer. As Anthony Robbins would say – Emotion starts with Motion. I had motivation and purpose and I was like a caged animal, I just wanted to explode and rip into my new life!
Here’s how it went.
Days 1, 2 and 3 were as you’d expect, setting up camp, getting a routine, feeling a little stunned and foreign, but getting on with life in my new environment. I had a nice clearing down by a river just at the edge of a large forest in Kaipara – north west of Auckland.
I didn’t really ever feel homesick, as spending time away is a normal thing for me – admittedly normally with Cat.
I set out with a purpose of finding out who I am – under all the social moldings etc and in the first 2 days I actually got some really great answers, simply by writing my thoughts, pondering, asking some probing questions and just enjoying the silence. I am really getting familiar with the two sides of my conscious – my Conscience and my Ego. I had quite a few pages of notes already!
On day 4, I walked up a large hill nearby and sat at the top and did more pondering. I suddenly realised I had never really just asked my Conscience and Ego how they felt about my being in the bush for 40 Days. This is where it got real.
My Conscience SCREAMED and hit me like a lightening bolt…
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?????, WASTING TIME SITTING ON YOUR ASS IN THE BUSH, WHEN YOU HAVE 2 MORTGAGES AND A WIFE AT HOME WHO IS CURRENTLY WORKING TO SUPPORT YOUR STUPID ‘SOUL SEARCHING’ ESCAPADES!!!!!!”
It was a hell of a shock and I was pretty upset. This THING, this 40 Days was meant to be some thing for me to be proud of, and my own conscience was telling me I shouldn’t do it!
So after some time – I turned to my Ego and posed the same question. My Ego replied….
“well, you’ve told the whole world that you’re going to stay for 40 Days, if you don’t they’re going to think you’re a dick and a loser – you have no choice but to hang in there. PS you’re being a girl”
A typically egoic response – one based on fear and other peoples’ opinions (whether they’re real or not).
Not wanting to make any rash decisions I wrote all this down and did some more pondering. My personal creed is that you act based on your conscience – ALWAYS. That’s it – period. But I wanted to make sure that it wasn’t just loneliness or homesickness. And i can tell you it wasn’t. I mean yeah I missed the real world and Cat but I was actually having fun out there.
So – then came the question – when this is over, what are my priorities to satisfy my conscience.
And that is the lesson. Out of these 7 days this is the little pearl of wisdom that I want to share with you.
Peace of Mind, Is a Clear Conscience
And – A promise is never forgotten by your conscience. Promises are like little hooks that we cast out from our conscience to other people and they don’t just go away. When you have no distractions, that is what you hear – your conscience and all the outstanding promises you’ve made.
And what were my promises?
1. That I would love and honour my wife.
2. That I would maintain a mortgage to the bank
3. That I would maintain a second mortgage to the bank (rental property)
And then all the others descending downwards in order of magnitude and relevance
Without a clear conscience I have no hope of having Peace of Mind – and no right asking about the meaning of my life. THIS IS THE MEANING I HAVE GIVEN MY LIFE BASED ON MY CHOICES, AND I NEED TO LIVE IT!!!
I spent the next few days listing my goals and tasks. Thinking of ways to clear my conscience and get back on track. I have to say, it was a most exhilarating and uplifting experience.
BUT – I’m stuck out in the BUSH for 30-something more days!!! I have the answers NOW – I have motivation NOW – I don’t want it to fade or to waste a second now that I have direction!!!
So, I made a conscious decision to change the rules. And its very simple.
40 Days for Me is a great idea, but not IN A ROW. Simply take a few when you can – get that motivation and drive, then come back to Earth all guns blazing – then when you’re ready, take a few (or even just one) more.
From here on I will complete my 33 outstanding days and blog about each one. There will be two other changes. I’m going to set myself a daily plan for each of the 33. I haven’t ironed it out completely but it will include seeing the sunrise and sunset, going to an unfamiliar place, doing an unfamiliar activity and of course, taking time to ponder and question.
I am also changing this blog. No longer will it be a place for me to feel sad and lonely. It will be a place of inspiration and hope – and Happiness.
So – thank you all – and welcome to a new beginning.
Please feel free to comment and ask me questions!